36 Roller Derby Names That Should Exist

An old entry from a fun blog kept by iO alum Tyler Snodgrass caught our attention, and we asked him to allow us to post that entry here. Enjoy!

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Yesterday I went with some friends to our local skating rink to watch some Roller Derby. Yes, just like in the movie Whip It, so I went to look for my own Ellen Page to marry me (if Jim Croce can fall in love with a “Roller Derby Queen,” then so can I, right?). I didn’t find her but I did have a really great time anyway. If you’ve never watched roller derby, then let me go ahead and tell you that it is awesome. It has everything a cool sport needs: people traveling at high speeds on wheels, puns, fishnet stockings, and girls fighting each other.

If you aren’t familiar with the rules, you might want to look them up to get a solid understanding, but I will try to explain briefly: There are two teams of skaters going around in an oval. One girl on each team has stars on their helmets and they are called Jammers. The rest of the girls start ahead on the track and get a head start during each round, called a Jam. The non-Jammers are called Blockers. The Jammers earn points for their team by passing Blockers, but only once the Jammers have gone around the track one full time. The Blockers try to block the opposing Jammer from getting through while helping their own pass the opposing blockers. And thus violence occurs, usually in the form of pushing or bumping while on skates, as holding, elbowing, and tripping will get a skater a penalty. (Something like that.)

One of my favorite parts of roller derby are the names/identities that the rollergirls adopt while on skates. These pseudonyms can be anything from something tough or scary-sounding (like “Jaw Breaker” or something), to a hilarious pun based on a famous female historical figure (like “Bruisin’ B. Anthony” or something). Obviously, my favorite ones are the puns. In Whip It, we have Iron Maven, Rosa Sparks, and Bloody Holly. In Springfield, my favorites were T Ann T, Sandra Day O’Slaughter, and Molotov Coqtiz.

I wanted to be a part of this. But I’m not a woman, nor am I tough at all (and these women are tough. Even Jim Croce describes his rollergirl crush as “nasty,” “fat,” and “the meanest hunk o’ woman that anybody ever seen”). There is a male side of the sport, too. But I’m definitely not tough enough for that. So my participation is limited to coming up with potential pseudonyms (with some help from my friends, Scott and Sarah). Here are a few of the names we came up with:

Roller Derby Names That Should Exist

  • Crush Limbaugh
  • Smack Galifianakis
  • Nuke Skywalker
  • Princess Leah-pocalypse
  • Scarmander (I assume when she gets stronger she will evolve into Scarmeleon and then Scarizard)
  • Eleanor Hoesevelt
  • Cankle Sore
  • Lady MacDeath
  • Skate Winslet
  • George W. Push
  • Jamela Anderson
  • MC Jammer
  • Helmet Romney
  • Brute Gingrich
  • Church of Skatin’
  • Mary A. Busey
  • Fat Benatar
  • Frodo Body Baggins
  • Mouth Guardashian
  • I’m With The Band Aid
  • Rudy Crueliani
  • Atticurse Flinch
  • George Gorewell
  • Charles Sickens
  • Skate Crime
  • James Blonde
  • Gruffindor
  • Walt Hitman
  • Slaughter-house Ivy
  • The Lady and The Tramp Stamp
  • Maul McCartney
  • Hurt Vonneguts
  • Moanin’ O’Brien
  • Victoria VonDoom
  • Grunge Bob Square Fishnets
  • Nic O’ Lass Rage

 

I have not checked to see how many of these names actually exist on the International Rollergirls’ Master Roster, but you can at that link.

If you are considering doing it yourself, make sure your dream name isn’t taken already. If it is, you can always use one of mine.

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More to come…

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